Walking backwards down the stairs

Morning Everyone,

I wrote on face book the other day that I wouldn’t want to relive the last 50 years for anything in the world. When I said that it wasn’t because I had a bad life or a tough life because when it comes down to it the external events of my life have been a breeze compared to most. The reason I wrote that was because I had to spend the last 50 years being me.

From as far back as I can remember I have wanted to be a grown up and now at 50 I’m getting close. And to get where I am today in my relationships with my God, my self (they are no longer the same thing), and others has been a real pain in the ass.

Maria Muldaur and led Zeppelin both sing versions of Nobodies fault but mine and that is exactly where my problems lie –deep in my own heart. Nothing outside me ever really threatened my existence all that much (wait there was that time last month when my boss nearly choked to death on a biscuit while driving me down the interstate. Oh yeah, and that time when I was 10 and faced down an opossum in the basement with a belt, oh yeah a couple of nasty car wrecks. Ok rolling a vw bug 4 times off the interstate can threaten your existence.)
The point is I am my biggest enemy. If God’s grace hadn’t been poured out on me my address would probably be some porn store, a mental institute or the graveyard; those would be the choices for Brad left to himself.

I can’t thank God enough for not leaving me to myself. That is why I am so grateful to be 50; so grateful to have dealt with many of my own personal demons and come out on the winning side. I know plenty of people older than 50 who are still losing the same old battles they’ve been fighting since they were kids. Pop into 12 step meeting sometime and see just how badly some people struggle with the same issues their entire life. I sat through my share and I don’t ever want to go back.

That being said; don’t think that I don’t struggle with old stuff. That is a part of being humble before God, I think. God has this way of reminding us that we aren’t responsible for our successes. He keeps us humble by letting us stumble every now and again with things we thought we were over and done with.

I said I was getting close to growing up but the truth is I have some really hard battles yet to come. I have things that I’m sure drive my children crazy – like the inability to talk to them in more than mono-sylables. Like my own father, I have all these things I want to say but I can’t seem to get them out when it comes to the people I love the most. It sounds like something easy to fix doesn’t it? I would be glad to let you reside in this 3rd generation ‘no talk to family’ brain of mine and see how that works for you.

I am reminded of Paul saying: The things I want to do I don’t do and the things I hate I do. So it is with my lack of communication. There are plenty of things for me to work through in the next 50 years but one thing I don’t ever want to be again is young. I want to leave the past behind and press on to the higher calling because that is where my hope lies. What is it the Mayor of Mayberry says in It’s a wonderful life: Youth is wasted on the young.

I don’t want my youth back I want to walk on the path of life. I was dead for most of my youth, oh I said I was on the path of life. I asked Jesus into my life but I kept him in a closet down in the basement while I tried to follow the gospel according to Brad. The house that I built came crashing down about 20 years ago due to a bad foundation and the only thing that was left was that little closet where I kept Jesus. Most of the time these days I live there with him but I still go on building crazes from time to time and they still keep falling down.

Kind of reminds me of an old Larry Norman song that says: Walking backwards down the stairs trying to get higher. How can I get anywheres walking backwards down the stairs? Watching life elude meslipping through my grasp oh I know the truth at last but to reach the top I’ve got to stop from walking backwards down the stairs.

I spent my youth and most of my pre- post youth chasing death thinking it was where life was at. Now I see that the path of life is only found in the commands of God and so I am learning to hunger and thirst for that path. I’m learning to eat of the good things of God so that I may be encompassed all around by life and life alone.

I can’t find that in the past, for me there are no good old days, each day that unfolds takes me closer to life and further from death even though it looks the opposite to most people. It all depends on how you view the world. The aches and pains of old age are nothing to be compared with the glory that is to come. If Christ could go through a crucifixion without complaining what are the odds of me making it through my latter years without complaining (pretty slim in my opinion).

But regardless, it is my hope, it is my prayer that at the end of the next 50 years in 2060 on my 100th Birthday if I still remember who I am and who you are I will be even closer to being a grown up. I won’t hold my breath but I will trust in the only God of grace for the journey to come.

Grace and Peace to you all,
Brad