Something so right

Hey,

Paul Simon sang: When something goes wrong I’m the first to admit it I’m the first to admit it But the last one to know when something goes right Well it’s likely to lose me It’s apt to confuse meIt’s such an unusual sight I can’t get used to something so right Something so right.

And that’s how I feel a lot of the time. Right now I have all these good things around me – Friends, Family, Love, Companionship and I told a friend over the weekend that I’m waiting for the other boot to drop. I know it sounds weird but good things make me nervous. I don’t trust them.

Experientially I have no reason to trust them. From experience, I am expecting them to be ripped out of my life without a moments notice and no explanation whatsoever. I know what it feels like to let your guard down and get kicked in the teeth and honestly, I’m not too fond of it. It’s been 25 years since I let my guard down this much, since I have been loved with this depth of love, had this many friends who are of my own socio-economic status and who don’t just tolerate me or keep me around as a token blue collar guy but really love me.

I let my guard down back then and found out what it meant to be betrayed by a kiss, to have all your friends scatter like rats on a sinking ship, I lost it all: a wife, family, friends in the blink of an eye. I’ll never forget what it’s like to have that boot in my mouth and I don’t ever want to taste that sole again.

The truth is, I didn’t mean to have so many friends, to be so vulnerable, to take so many emotional risks at this point in my life. I mean they just snuck up on me. And it feels so good that it scares me to death. I’m used to being alone. It’s safe there. There’s very little risk. Self inflicted pain doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as the loss of love.

And yet to love and to be loved – there is nothing better in all the world. Maybe, I just long to be in a permanent beer commercial, or be eternally on the set of cheers where everybody knows my name. and the lines are written and the plot is set for a happy ending and not a cliff hanger.

I’d love to take the risk out of life, but as my favorite passage reminds me, the race doesn’t go to the swift or the battle to the strong but time and chance happen to us all. I was listening to Sara Groves this morning on the way to work and I heard these words (several times):

Weather came and caught us off guard. We were just laughing and feeling alright had such a great time just last night. We walked into the minefield undetected. You took a tone and I took offence anger replacing all common sense. Oh run for your life all tenderness is gone in the blink of an eye all good will has withdrawn and we mark our paces and stare out from our faces but you and I baby are gone, gone, gone.

We live in a personality minefield and it could all blow up in our faces at any moment. That is the essence of life in the fall.

So here’s the question I must answer do I want to be safe or loved? There really isn’t middle ground. Hang on, how did I get salt water in my eyes at this time of the morning?

The question behind the question is do I trust my maker enough to risk having my heart ripped out one more time? Do I think he really does have my best interests at heart? Do I have the faith to trust that he knows bests even if it means pain?

Honestly, no.

But…I know how good it feels to be loved, to have friends, to be accepted for who you are and not who you might become and it beats being alone hands down. I also know how rare and valuable a thing that is and so in spite of the voice inside my head that tells me to run and run fast I am going to stand still on the thin ice of modern life and trust in the God who made the ice upon which I stand, so much so, that even if he lets me fall through – though I may scream and yell and curse, I will (eventually) believe that he has my best interests at heart.

And by his grace I will pick up the pieces after the mine goes off and try my best to put it all back together again because love, biblical love, not the Beatles love, or sex, or whatever else passes itself off as love these days, real love is worth fighting for.

Maybe in time I’ll get used to feeling good.

Blessings your way,

Brad