Morning Everybody,
Well, I was asked this week to enter the blogosphere with my weakly thing that I write. I call it a thing because what is it exactly? - diatribe might be appropriate. Anyway, I already had a blog but those 4 posts I had put on there in 2008 were getting a little moldly by this time. So I updated my page (which you can see at http://withgodonhisside.blogspot.com/ ). The title will probably be misunderstood so I will give you my thought processes on it. It is not that I think God is on my side (his side) but rather that I want to be with God on HIS side. It is, of course, a slur on Bob Dylan's song With God on OUR side. That's enough of that.
Anyway, if you want to read the exact same thing that I send out every week only with pretty colors, an advertisement for my book(s), and a fake norman rockwell redneck family picture then click above. Or if like me you want to feel like I have a bit of import in the world you can go to Andrew Sandlin's website for the Center for Cultural Leadership http://web.me.com/pandrewsandlin/New_CCL_2/Welcome.html and then click on the New section and you will find me under Worship. (There's a leap). It is a much more awe inspiring journey than just getting an email from me every week.
I find it rather ironic that I implemented my blog the same week that I watched Julie and Julia- which is a movie about a blogger that gets famous - famous enough to get her blogging turned into a movie and a book. I must admit that I found myself a little jealous, a little coveteous. I mean come on all she does is write about cooking through Julia Child's cook book and she gets to be famous and rich. So now that my blog is offically open for business I expect the wealth and fame to just come rolling in. But so far the New York Times hasn't called.
The truth is the only thing that is rolling in for me is lots and lots of work co-mingled with bits and pieces of covetousness. Had I known what I know now 40 years ago I would have gotten a full time job, maybe two, at the age of 9. Forget school it hasn't helped me pay the bills one bit. Then I would have retired from menial labor about 10 years ago and be able to spend my every waking hour studying and writing and doing what so many of my pastoral peers get to do every day.
Julie and Julia didn't help me with any of this angst at all. In fact, it only increased my frustration and my covetousness. That's not to say it wasn't a good movie. It is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Julie Childs, I mean Meryl Streep, is amazing at playing Julia Childs. The movie obviously revealed a bit of my heart to me. That boy that wants to hit the big time playing rock and roll and getting money for nothing and the chicks for free is still alive and well and living in my body -as old and over the hill as it is. I don't know that he will ever leave. I know it's only rock and roll, but I like it.
Now I don't feel this frustration all the time. Maybe I've gone three months since I've found myself wallowing in covetousness, ok maybe it's three days but my life used to be centered around it 24/7. I hungered and thirsted over getting rich and famous on somebody else's buck and talent. I worshipped at the altar of Cream Magazine.
Maybe now days I've just changed magazine subscriptions. I mean really I'm too old to rock and roll and too young to die so what's left? The ministry. Of course if I can't get on the cover of rolling stone maybe I can get on the cover of Christianity Today or just go viral on the internet with my massive new blog. Maybe I can sell 400,000 copies of my books like the writer of the Shack. I'd like to have a problem like that.
I find myself on the short end of the stick from my own heart's desires most of the time. I think that is code for I don't get the object of my covetousness very often --(NEVER).
Now that I've gotten that out of my system let me think about why. Why is God so mean that he refuses to give me what I want? Probably, because it would kill me. I was reading something by either Calvin (not the Calvin and Hobbes Calvin the OTHER Calvin) or R.J Rushdoony the other day that was talking about God creating our lives specifically to make us what he wants us to be. Everything that comes into our lives is geared toward shaping and forming us into that which God has planned us to be. I can't say that I'm all that wild about that. It's not something I'm thrilled over (at least today). I mean he could have thrown a large sum of cash into the plan or some fame. I mean all I want is 5 minutes more than every one else. Could it be so hard to plan 20 minutes of fame and glory for me?
Obviously, I haven't gotten that out of my system yet. And to be honest, with this covetousness bombarding me I have felt twinges of the need to run away.Those of you who have known me for any length of time probably know that running is one of the things I have done the best in my life. Any problem can be solved if you can just run fast enough or long enough in the opposite direction.
Remembering that, remembering how I used to be, reminds me of the mess that it made of my life. And remembering the mess reminds me that it was pain that lead me to change. And the place that I am in now, as hard as I may think it is, is a result, not of being a loser, but of growing up.
I have to remember that I can't go back and have a do over with what I know now because I know what I know now as a result of experience and mostly because of the pain caused by pretending to know what I was doing when I didn't have a clue.
It's so easy to forget what the past was like. I don't remember pain from back then so I think it was better. But I get in trouble when I don't remember that I didn't feel pain because I was numb. Sobriety doesn't feel nearly as good as numbness. Responsiblity isn't nearly as fun as irresponsiblity. Those are true statements but that doesn't mean that they are helpful statements. I have to continually remind myself that the present is the best time of my life. I have no glory days to look back on. I am looking forward to those. I am looking forward to not being a flash in the pan. I am looking forward to not being a rock and roll star or a trendy pastor on cable tv. I'm looking forward to finding out what the heck God intends to make out of my life with his crazy plan.
Yeah, I still flirt with covetousness. Somedays I long to be numb again. I take those as reminders to look back and remember, to remember and then vow (God willing) to never go back. There were no good old days. And if I think that there were then I am lying to myself. There is only this day that I am living now. How do I make it a good day in the midst of all the things that go into making a day for Mr. Stephens? Not as easy as it sounds. But I will blink a couple of times and find myself looking back on today in no time at all.
I'm learning to quit making Joe Jackson's Is she really going out with him? the anthem of my life. But it's been there so long that it's a hard habit to break. Especially, if the "she" in the song is money or fame. Here's the lyrics:
Pretty women out walkin' with gorillas down my street From my window I'm starin' while my coffee goes cold Look over there (Where?) There! There's a lady that I used to know She's married now or engaged or somethin', so I'm told Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight?Is she really going out with him? Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here Tonight's the night when I go to all the parties down my street I wash my hair and I kid myself I look really smooth Look over there (Where?) There! Here comes Jeannie with her new boyfriend They say that looks don't count for much and so there goes your proof But if looks could kill There's a man there who's marked down as dead Cause I've had my fill Listen you - take your hands from her head I get so mean around this scene cause there's something going wrong around here
--
Maybe someday none of this will matter but I doubt if today is the day.
Grace and Peace,
Brad
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