Deacon Blues

Hey Everyone,

I’ve been thinking about the New Covenant promise of the law being written on our hearts a lot lately. I’m sure it comes from reading what I’ve been reading (no name dropping this week) and that just goes to show how much of an impact it is making on me. I think too often we want to think of the promises of God being fulfilled in the blink of an eye. But nowhere in scripture does it say that the law will be written on our hearts instantaneously.

I’m beginning to understand that from the moment we are born into the Kingdom of God until we enter the fullness of the Kingdom on the last day of this age the law is being written on our hearts one word at a time. There are a couple of things I want to touch on here and the first one is the concept of heart. Abraham Kuyper (ok one name drop) in his book Lectures on Calvinism espouses the concept of heart as being the center of a person, the essence of a person. Unfortunately, the English translation of his work translates the Dutch word he used as mind (which gives you a clue as to where American Theologians heads and hearts are).

That concept of the heart, as being the whole person, tells me that the concept of writing the law on our hearts is probably the equivalent of making the law a part of our character, a part of who we are. When the law is completely written on our hearts it will be fulfilled in us. We will be on the path of life for all eternity.

I’ve been thinking about this as I’ve been looking back on how I have changed over the years. When the journey began I said I loved Jesus but I hated his law. Twenty some odd years into the journey I began to embrace the law as good and applicable. Slowly, I find my heart being written on by God. I find God is causing me to walk in obedience in areas that I used to refuse God’s commands. It is not by force of will on my part. Originally, I had no will to stop sinning in certain areas. But slowly over time God has begun to create in me a new heart, one drop of indelible grace at a time.

I am amazed at what has occurred. I can’t believe that I am standing where I stand. It was not of my own doing. He is giving me a heart to obey, to do, to walk on the path of life. He is transforming me from death to life. That is not just a result of growing old. I know plenty of old people that run from the path of life like it was the plague.

Someone made a joke to me the other day saying something like “I’m not doing this anymore. I only try things I’m good at.” It reminded me of me. That’s the way I’ve been most of my life; at least until recently. I’ve been really pressed into the understanding that our call to take dominion over creation begins with the creation that is us. I have to learn to take dominion over myself for God. If I can’t do it in my own heart and body then what makes me think that I can do it anywhere else?

To do that, however, is causing me to face down old demons, perhaps my oldest spiritual friends; some of the ones that I’ve always loved more than I loved my Lord. I’m not real fond of that. I’ve told you of my disdain for exercising and that hasn’t changed. I still hate it because, well, to be honest, I hate even the thought of anything that closely resembles suffering. But more than that, I don’t like doing anything I’m not good at. When it comes to athletics, well, I might have talked a good talk at one time but that was it: Talk. I still remember the feeling I got trying out for football, (insane I know – I weighed 104 lbs my freshman year and the smallest helmet could turn all around my head with ease), and basketball (who invented wind sprints?). They were organized sports and I had never played organized sports; no little league, no basketball with coaching; I was clueless. And to go to practice and be bombarded by all these kids who had been doing this stuff for years, well, it was intimidating to say the least. So I quietly turned and tiptoed away. I quit and never looked back. I stuck with things I didn’t have to learn and didn’t cause me to breath hard.

I don’t really like to talk about what I’m doing when it comes to exercise because the truth is I’m afraid I’ll quit. But something may be different this time; I can’t say for sure. I’ve been a part of an exercise class for about 4 weeks now. It’s just like basketball or football tryouts all over again for me. Everybody seems to know what they are doing and I feel like an idiot. It’s weird that at 51 I can still have the exact same emotional response to exercise that I had at 14. There came a point, I guess it was Monday, when I had a boot camp instructor and I was struggling to figure out what to do and when to do it. The class was speeding by and I was finding myself more and more frustrated. Then the instructor asked for something that was impossible, I mean absolutely impossible for me to do and in the middle of class I just laughed. Not loud but loud enough. And I started to realize that it wasn’t about the exercise it was about my brain. It was about me learning to be disciplined.

The week before, a different instructor had talked about having the courage to be disciplined. I’d never thought about it like that before. Somewhere in there something clicked. I went back to class purposely the next day – different instructor same frustrations. I laughed again when asked to do something. I think the instructor said touch your left elbow to your right knee. I tried to do it and that made the instructor laugh because he had misspoken. He meant left ankle on your right knee. He complemented me for being the only one in the class to attempt to do what he had said.

With each passing exercise even in the midst of my ineptness and often times appearing to myself to be a bull in a china shop, I found a passion to press on. It was almost anger. To be honest, it was anger, anger for all the things that had been taken away from me by fear and insecurity for most of my life. It was like I was beginning to sing with Tom Petty – you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won’t back down.

I have been a fool most of my life; running for cover when I should have been running down a dream. Why has it taken me so long to realize that there ain’t no easy way out? Life is hard. It is the refining fire. Slowly, I am learning to stop sleeping with the enemy and press on to the higher calling. It’s a lifelong process this writing the law upon a new heart and it hurts worse than a tattoo ever could.

Maybe now, at this point in life, I’m finally able to find the courage to be disciplined. Who knows, maybe I will turn and run again. I don’t know. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other today and walk the path that is set before me. Thankfully, there is no exercise class ‘til Friday.

I hurt just about everywhere today but it is a good hurt. It reminds me that there are still a lot of weeds and rocks that need to be taken out of the field before it can reach its full potential and produce maximum crops. In other words, before dominion can be realized to its fullest. So I press to press on.

As I write this, a thought occurs to me that has been coming up repeatedly in my head over the past few weeks; I realize that in the course of writing week in and week out that I probably fall back on the same lyrics repeatedly. In the words of Steely Dan’s song Deacon Blue: I cried when I wrote this song; sue me if I play too long. The songs that come to my mind as I write are the songs that have touched me in one way or another on a personal level. I’m sure there are other lyrics to use out there but they haven’t been etched upon my mind like the ones that keep coming up.

I guess with that attitude I still have some pages in my heart waiting to be written.

May God write his law in Indelible Grace on all your hearts,

Brad