I need your love so bad

Hey one and all,

I’m listening to the Wonder Boys soundtrack this morning. I’ve never seen the movie but I love the sound track. There’s an old blues song on there by Little Willie John called: ‘I need your love so bad’ and the lyrics hit me in a wonderfully hard way today.

You see I got derailed this week. The why or how isn’t all that important. It is the ease at which it happened that scares me. One stupid little comment and my life seemed to spiral downward. I quit praying. I quit pressing forward. I was offended. I was angered. I was afraid. I was a fool. AM is probably more appropriate than was.

I do not know the original intent of the words that poured over me like an acid wash burning me to the core. I’m not sure knowing the intent would change the way it was received. You see I have plenty of acid wash premade and standing by to pour on myself whenever the situation demands it.

It’s funny how words can pierce to my heart and lead me off the path of life in the blink of an eye. And in that blink out pops a petty, little, covetous old man who is greedy and self absorbed with the weight of the world on his shoulder and a grudge against everyone who has been able to actually do something with their life (which seems to be almost everybody he comes in contact with. Yes, he can even be covetous of the homeless and the mentally ill.).

It took me three days to see his reflection in the mirror and when I finally did, well, it just broke me open. I am such a putz. I thank God that he allows my heart to still be quick to run back to tenderness. I’m so glad that he doesn’t just hand me over to the enemy permanently. I certainly deserve to be there left to myself.

And so on the way to work this morning I found salt water in my eyes when I heard Little Willie John sing:

I need someone's hand, to lead me through the night
I need someone’s arms to hold and squeeze me tight
When the night begins an' the dew remains
I need your love so bad

I need some lips to feel next to mine
I need someone to stand up an' tell me, when I'm lyin'
When the lights are low, an' it's time to go
I need your love so bad

So give it up an' bring it home to me
Or write it on a paper, so it can be read to me
Tell me you love me an' stop drivin' me mad
'Cause I need your love so bad

I need a soft voice that will talk to me at night
Don't worry baby, we won't fuss an' fight
Listen to my plea, bring it home to me I need your love so bad
Ooh, I need your love so bad-yeah.

I need to be reminded of that. I need his love so bad. So bad. Nothing else matters. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

Now for those of you who only live in the New Testament I must emphasis that love is not a happy feeling, it is not a gushy ‘why can’t we just get along’ event. As long as we are outside of Christ there is no getting along. Love is walking in the law of God. The love of God pulls me from sin and puts me back on the path of life, the righteous way. I need that love so bad. I need to be walking on the path of life. That’s my only hope.

I wish I could beat that in the heads and hearts of everyone I know. I wish life were that simple. But it isn’t and we all have to learn or not learn to embrace the good and wonderful law of God on our own. I’m not much of an optimist when it comes to believing that will happen. And that’s why when I finally saw that my recent derailment had stopped me from praying that I was so broken hearted.

You see when I got side tracked I put down my only weapon of war. Yes, weapon of war. We are in the middle of a war and we will be until every enemy of Christ Jesus is made into a footstool for him to put his feet upon. There is going to be no truce with the enemy. There is only going to be victory but it is not a victory that will be won with money, or power, or weapons of mass destruction; it is a war that will be won by the weapons of prayer and the sword of the spirit.

You see I just wasted three days by not being in the battle. I put my family, my church, my writing at risk. I put it at risk because I gave the enemy time to build up resistance again. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see a physical outgrowth of my prayer. God calls us to prayer. He tells us that some things are only defeated by prayer and fasting. I'm finally starting to figure out that "some things" is a pretty all inclusive category.

You see when I fell off the path of life I stopped being humble. I said MY will be done not yours. That's what sin is. So that means not only did I stop praying but also that God stopped hearing anything I did say; as the psalmist says: If I regard wickedness in my heart, The Lord will not hear.

I realize that none of this matters if God is so tiny in his sovereignty that nothing we do matters. The same is true if God isn’t big enough to do anything to really change the world. I’ve been in both camps at one point or another and neither is satisfactory. God is completely sovereign but his sovereignty and his plan are so huge and so much bigger than anything that we can imagine that they include our prayers as instrumental in bringing about or limiting what God will do on the earth.

I need a huge God to put me on and keep me on the path of life, the path of law, the path of true love because I get a clearer picture of how much I hunger and thirst for death everyday and it’s killing me, literally.

Have mercy Oh God cause I need your love so bad.

Grace and peace,
Brad