I me mine

Hey everyone,

It was two in the morning when I got home from babysitting last night so I’m running a bit slow this morning. I haven’t been up that late in a long time. My daughter and her husband are rather sleep deprived after being up around 36 hours straight during the delivery of their first son – Oren Bradley (only about 12 of those were labor related). Now they are on about a two hour feeding schedule. Sleep is a precious commodity to them at this point.

So last night I took them a pizza and then sent them to bed at about 8pm. I woke them up at 10:30 after a diaper change and in the middle of protestations of near starvation from little Obi. Then I sent them back to bed from 11 to 1:45. I didn’t think I could do an all nighter so I headed back to my mom’s and hit the sack by about 2:10.

There is something bittersweet about all of this to me mostly because family was something that I wanted most in my life and it ended up being something I had the least of. My son in law asked me while they were in the hospital if this child (being flesh of my flesh) felt any different than my other 5 grandchildren who are stuck with me through marriage. Immediately I said yes but mostly because for the week leading up to that question I had built up this event in my head as the cure all for all my problems with family. Much the way I did with marriage some 32 years ago.

But the truth is there’s not much difference. You see I was separated from my oldest daughter when she was 9 or so, my youngest was 5. 700 miles is a huge distance to maintain a relationship. But even greater is the pain of seeing tears stream down your children’s faces and those clinging hugs with the words 'please don’t go daddy' everytime you have to go back home. So the visits got less frequent and the pain began to dissipate and elementary school went by and then middle school became looking at pictures of what I missed and so did highschool. My children became like old friends that you only see when you go back home at the holidays. And a man with the opportunity for two families became a friend on the periphery of two families.

I don’t know if you are aware of this at all but the fall is a mean and horrible thing. I think my new catch phrase is going to be Stay on the Path of Life. Because the mess that is my life is a picture of what happens when you chose the path of destruction instead of the path of life. We have a natural inclination for destruction in our lives both in and out of the church. The truth is more often than not we hate the path of life. We want to be Lewis and Clarks making our own path through life because we know best.

But we don’t know best. When I was first in the grips of the pain of losing my family I spewed forth blame in every direction but my own. But the reality is that though I may have used the name of Jesus more and read the bible like a mad man I was just as much on the path to destruction as was the other participant in that relationship. It took me a long time to be willing to admit that. It took me a long time to embrace the path of life down deep where it really counts. I want you to understand that camouflaging the path to destruction to look like the path of life is not the same as life.

Covenant is so much more all inclusive than ‘coming to Jesus.’ The promises of God are fully expressed in both blessings and cursings. Now if you are under thirty you may have a hard time believing that destruction even exists and even though you probably won’t listen I’m going to say it any way: if you leave the path of life even with the best of intentions you will plant seeds of destruction that will bloom at some point down the road.

Now, if you are in Christ Jesus that destruction will some how work out for the good. Those things will be used as discipline to move you toward the path of life. I can finally start to see that these days. I can see it in baby sitting until two in the morning. I can see it in taking the risk of being vulnerable and open with my adult children. It will never be like it could have been but at the same time given the condition of my old heart might have been is just an illusion

You see my dream so many years ago was to have the benefits of covenant keeping without the hassle of keeping covenant and it was the same dream that got us into this mess called the fall in the first place.

Maybe you only know me from say the age of 45 and you think ‘it’s not so hard to be like him’ but you don’t get to where I am (and I don’t think I’m very far along at all) without a lot of pain, un-numbed, un avoidable pain. That is where the growing up comes from. That is where the covenant blessing begins to flow from – dying to self. You see the path of life is SELF LESS. The old you will not be found there.

We are a culture, I am a man, full of self. I think George Harrison hit the nail on the head when he wrote:

All I can hear I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.Even those tears I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.No-one's frightened of playing itEv'ryone's saying it, Flowing more freely than wine,All thru' Your life, I me mine.I-I-me-me mine, I-I-me-me mine,I-I-me-me mine, I-I-me-me mine.

I am guilty. And therefore I have no one to blame but myself for the brokenness in my life. I thank God that grace brings healing even if it is a long, long slow process.

I held my grandson in my arms last night and prayed that God would pour out grace upon him. I prayed that God would save him from himself early on, yesterday would be good. I pray that he would get on the path of life long before I did. That is the only hope for his generation, and that of my kids and myself.

May God lead us of the path we have chosen that leads to death and on to the path of life in every area of life.

Death to I Me Mine.

Brad