Morning Everyone,
There are days that I don’t like the word of God. That happens more than I like to think about, actually. I mean it would be ok if it were just a book, even a great book like Shakespere or Flannery O’Connor, then you could just ignore the parts you don’t want to deal with. I know a lot of people say they believe the bible is the word of God but then again most people who say that, just say it; they don’t really believe it. I mean Romans 9; First Corinthians 12 and 14; Proverbs 16:4; (insert your least favorite verses here) can’t really be the words of God. Can they?
Today, I wish I could be brain dead and rich like Joel Olstein and only speak good things. I wish I could pick and choose happy things, easy things, nice things to think about. I wish I was someone else ‘cause there is plenty about me that I could do without. One of the things I could do without is the passion that I have for the whole word of God. It’s an all or nothing thing with me. There are a multitude of reasons for that but I think my wife summed it up for me very nicely last night when she said: “Some people just think too much.” It was dark in the car when she said it, but I’m pretty sure she was looking at me.
What I hate about that is that the whole word of God (which, contrary to popular opinion, really is the summation of the good news) often times doesn’t come across as very good. Sometimes the word of God is like an ice cream cone dipped in glass slivers.
I bring all this up because I got to watch the word of God hurt people last night. People that I love with all my heart. People that I don’t want to hurt first, because I love them and second, because they have had lives full of pain already: they don’t need God adding to it. (In my humble opinion).
Even as I feel this way, I am reminded of the verse that says “show no pity” with regard to bringing about justice. I probably should have added that one to the above list. I can see perhaps for the first time how and why someone would eliminate some aspect of the glass slivered gospel. “I love this person, I can’t say that. Not here, not now. I’ll do it later. I could never hurt them like that.” Pity trumps the word of God and later never comes and before you know it a generation arises that does not know the Lord.
I don’t, and probably never will, understand the why’s of God’s plan. I have, on many occasions, screamed and yelled at him for his plan. I still occasionally hate his plan. I am convinced that I could have done better. How could 5 years of sexual abuse be planned by a good God? How could 45 years of fallout from those 5 years or being cast aside like a used up rag by a woman you worshipped be considered working to the good?
Some days those things still feel like slivers of glass going down my throat, and as I swallow, I wonder what’s so good about the good news here now in the midst of life? ‘Cause if it’s just about heaven when I die then let the good times roll: A bullet in the head would be a whole lot quicker way to get to the pearly gates. I really don’t think God knew what he was talking about when he said all things work to the good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I’m just stupid enough to be the one who admits it while at the same time believing the word of God is true.
Truth is, none of this would matter if I wasn’t a pastor. I could think all day and keep it to myself and nobody would be the wiser. But I am a pastor. I’m a pastor who has wound up loving his people more than he ever thought he would. I’m a pastor who doesn’t want to see his people hurt. I’m a pastor that doesn’t like setting bones because while it may not hurt me more than it does them; it still hurts me. I’m a pastor that wants to make everything alright but just doesn’t have the power to change reality.
Unlike Frank Zappa, I’m not only in this for the money. I’m in this for the truth. I’m in this for the promises of God. I want to see the good news bear fruit in people’s lives. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without the slivers of glass. God planned them to make me what I will some day be. I know that. I believe that to be true. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Thankfully, liking the word of God is not mandatory at this point in time, believing it to be true is.
There has been a voice whispering to me since I saw the looks of pain, and the flares of anger last night that keeps repeating: "I told you so. You had to go and mention that didn’t you? You had to really believe the word of God is true didn’t you? Look what that caused. Look what the word of God is doing to your congregation. Recant. Recant. And maybe everything will be ok."
I have spent my whole life giving up, quitting, and running away. I can’t do it anymore. As broken and messed up as my life has been; as full of anger and shame and fear that I have been, if this thing called my life hasn’t been planned by God, and I mean every step of it, even the unmentionable horrors, then I will be honest with you: I have no hope. ‘Cause the things that pass for God and the Gospel these days aren’t big enough or strong enough to save me from myself.
You see if I was in control I would be dead. I wanted to be dead. But God has kept me alive. Now, here I am almost 50 years into the journey: A journey I would have stopped at any point along the way just so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore. And as I approach the 50 year marker I am just now, do you hear me? Just now, getting a glimpse that maybe that pain will bring glory to God some day. Maybe my years in the hands of abusers and the grip of addiction was for a purpose. Maybe.
I need desperately for this to be God’s plan because if it’s not I’m a loser, I’m a victim. I am a man who had great promise once but never quite seem to make it. I’m a jack of all trades but master of none. I will never have what it takes to play the game, either in the church or out. I am without hope of succeeding in any sense of the word. I know what it’s like in my head, so trust me on these things.
So, in the midst of walking through the broken glass that fills the good news I will end with a quote from Maaarrtaaaain: (Luther not Lawerence) I will not, I cannot recant. Here I Stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.
Grace and Peace,
Brad
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